Friday, 2 December 2011

Bah Humbug

I've never been a big fan of Christmas. And I'd rather stick rusty needles in my eyeballs or permanently move in with my in-laws than visit a large shopping centre during the month of December.  However, since tradition dictates that we must indulge our small treasures during this annual festival of clutter-up-the-house-with-even more-kid-related-crap-in-the-name-of-baby-Jesus, I was forced to venture to the local mall this week. 

While searching for a car park I conducted a very important anthropological experiment which led to the conclusion that there are at least 2 different car parker personality types:
  • The Cruiser:  The Cruiser ambles up and down each isle watching for the flicker of a tail light before he pounces, indicators ablaze, waiting patiently for the departing vehicle to make avail of his space.
  • The Stalker:  The Stalker hunts the bag-laden shopper as she swerves erratically between rows of cars, anxiously anticipating where she will stop, watching for for the flash of key-less entry, shamelessly speeding to overtake the Cruiser in the quest for car park glory.
I am a Stalker.  I even shout out the window 'are you going now?'  If they're just dropping off bags and going back for more, I run them over.  It's kinder to put them out of their misery.

Here's some festive poetry from the archives. Circa 1990.

Christmas With my Rellies.

They come from every corner.
They come from near and far.
They come over just to kiss you
And to ask you how you are.

You put on your best party dress.
You comb your hair all neat.
Even thought you really want to scream,
You have to act so sweet.

The presents that they give you
are just junk in Christmas wrap.
So when the shops reopen,
you take them all straight back.

What happened to the spirit
and all the Christmas cheer?
Christmas with my rellies...
Thank Christ it's only once a year!

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